Written in the voice of Elon Musk:

Every time I post something even remotely edgy, all of Twitter goes wild. They rejoice, they praise me. It’s so edgy, they say. So organic, so original. Of course, there’s no ulterior motive—how could there be? I’m edgy. I’m just like you. I’m a gamer. How do I run five companies and still have time to game so much? Well, I just do. I have six kids with different women. I’m African, but I’m white. I’m edgy, and I’m a great troll.

I bought Twitter to save America. I hate the woke. I care about freedom. I told a bunch of advertisers to go fuck themselves. I fired a bunch of woke women from their useless, non-productive jobs. I’m fighting for your freedom. I only ban or demonetize the truly extremist points of view. I don’t get ratioed. And yes, I want to import the next Einstein from India—but at scale. Sure, the H1B system is broken. I agree with you. But don’t be racist. Actually, fuck you if you disagree.

Hey, let’s post kind content on here. Look, I even have an edgy frog avatar. See? I’m just like you, sir. My truck is bomb-proof. Some immigrants are bad, I’ll admit that. We need to do more to stop the bad ones. But the foreign engineers and laborers working at my companies? They’re the good immigrants. The bad ones? They need to be dealt with. And I’ve got a plan for that.

We need a digital ID to solve the immigration problem. A digital ID will take away the incentives for illegal immigration and protect lawful Americans. It’ll work seamlessly with X. Yes, you’ll need to verify your identity. Oh, and by the way, we’re launching a Stablecoin now.

We’re calling the Stablecoin Xcoin—or Xc. My companies make a lot of money. Xc is decentralized, obviously. The advertisers are coming back because they see the value we’re creating. We pay creators now—creators make more money on X than anywhere else. That’s freedom. We only ban people who are dangerous to freedom. People who spread dangerous ideas? They’re dangerous. That’s why we ban them.

I have a high-level Diablo character. I bring my son to Trump events. America should be run like a sports team: only the best players. Only the best immigrants should come here. Natives? Let’s face it—they’re lazy and don’t want to do tech jobs. Foreigners? Superior. We actually need more foreigners. China? Now that’s an actual threat—they’re competing for the same foreign talent that’s critical for U.S. companies like mine.

DOGE is a great crypto. It’s the most plausible because it’s the most ridiculous. Isn’t that edgy? Bitcoin? It’s only okay, but it has flaws. Don’t ask me to explain—I won’t engage in that conversation. DOGE was my idea, by the way. You see, it’s actually an acronym. The government is broken, but I’m here to fix it. My pal Howie will hold the bags. And no, it’s not a CBDC because it’s privately issued. Yes, we’ll be able to freeze your Xc funds, but that’s a feature, not a bug. This is about safety. Do you want to be safe? Good. Xc is built for you. Safety plus freedom—that’s what matters.

America is a meritocracy. It’s not about bloodlines. We will win so hard. I won’t define what winning looks like or at what cost, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is the victory. I have a Pepe avatar. I’m edgy. I’m just like you. Trump and Vivek like me. I have satellites, drones, and rockets too. We’re building AI implants. I’m running one right now. It works. I’m just like you.

I’m calculated but organic. I grew more hair. I build great companies. Trust me—I’m the one who can fix this broken government. I understand culture. I’m a tastemaker, and that’s why I bought Twitter. I only ban people who abuse the platform. X? It can be used internationally. We’ll be able to see who’s using Xc and why. AI will analyze all the spending so we can keep you safe from bad people. You have nothing to fear.

I’m just like you. I’m actually edgy. I’m funny. Trump likes me. I haven’t released the Twitter Files because, honestly, you can’t handle them. People who disagree with me are obnoxious, and we won’t tolerate that. X is a free speech platform. We allow free speech, as long as it aligns with our mission of free speech. We won’t define what free speech means. We open-sourced the algorithm because we actually care about you.

I will kill the woke mind virus. The digital ID we’ll integrate into X will help us eradicate the problems plaguing this country—the woke mind virus, dangerous posts, all of it. I’m just like you. Trust me.